Between Service and Self: Learning to Switch Hats with Intention
Every one of us wears many hats throughout our lives: parent, partner, friend, teammate, colleague, mentor, volunteer. For those in Defence, emergency services, and frontline roles, there is often one more hat that carries immense weight: the service hat.
It’s the identity shaped by duty, discipline, responsibility, and the instinct to step up when others step back. It becomes familiar and automatic. But when one hat is worn too often, or for too long, it can start to overshadow the others. You might show up to a family dinner still in “problem-solving mode.” You might find yourself supporting others long after your emotional tank feels empty. Or you may struggle to turn off the vigilance, leadership, or readiness that your role requires.
Many members of the Buddy Up community have experienced the challenge of how to transition between the roles they carry. How do you change gears after a demanding shift? How do you show up fully as a partner, parent, or friend when your mind is still holding onto the weight of the day? And how do you avoid losing parts of yourself along the way?
Psychologist, Erik Erikson first proposed that healthy identity formation involves integrating various roles into a coherent sense of self. Sheena Iyengar and Hazel Markus have shown through their research on choice and self-concept, people thrive when they have clarity about their roles and feel agency in how they move between them. This highlights a critical truth: we don’t just have identities; we actively manage them.
For people in service professions or volunteering roles, identity balance matters even more. According to Greenhaus & Allen (2011), role conflict, when expectations from different areas of life collide, directly contributes to stress, fatigue, and reduced performance. On the other hand, role enrichment occurs when skills, energy, or confidence gained in one identity strengthen another. For example, communication learned in the workplace might deepen family relationships; emotional resilience built at home might improve leadership at work.
The key is learning to wear the right hat at the right time. This means being fully present in the identity that is needed in the moment. Research from Kabat-Zinn (1994) shows the more intentional we are about where we place our attention, the more effective we become. Quality transitions, such as a short walk between work and home, a mindful pause before entering a social environment, or even a simple phrase like “Now I’m stepping into my parent hat,” help cue the brain to shift gears.
When we recognise and respect all the hats we wear, we not only show up better for our work and our communities, we show up better for ourselves.
